ImStrugglingBad

Thank you so much, Anna. The overwhelming nature of this weakness, coupled with chronic physical and mental illness makes it difficult to cope. I know Jehovah loves me and that he understands. Sometimes I ask Jehovah if he would be happier had I either not been born, or if I was never one of his dedicated servants in the first place. All I do is disappoint him. I feel like simply existing brings reproach on him, as well as the congregation. When I slipped up and looked at pornography, I felt that nothing was ever going to fix anything. I tried. I really did. But the longer time goes on, the more I feel I'm going to fail again. Every day since I was a teenager, I've wondered whether Jehovah would approve of me in the new world. I know he loves me, but I don't know that he approves of me. I feel perverted, diseased, and completely inadequate. That's why I wonder whether death is a better option. Because I feel that maybe, just maybe, the death will cover over the sin of my existence. And if not, Jehovah can forget me. My family and friends would forget me in the new world, and I wouldn't be here to bring reproach on Jehovah.

Thank you, my brothers

This is totally not something I would do. But I'm doing it because I need help. I need to live. I don't know if I can anymore. That having been said, I'm completely terrified of who I am and why I am the way I am. I'm afraid of the fears and doubts I have in my mind. I try my best not to be angry at myself or Jehovah. I have a family that loves me, a congregation that's patient with me. I know that, from a logical point of view, they wouldn't care if I told them the truth about me. I haven't acted on my desires about anything (besides pornography, i'll get to that later. it's not serious) But I'm afraid everything will change. I love my family, I can't lose them. But I still feel completely alone. Every time somebody says something about gay people, my heart hurts. I always try to explain to friends and family that "gay people don't necessarily choose why they feel that way." I tell them "if you were gay and the only experience you had with Christianity was the hateful, bigoted garbage you see in Christendom, what would your perspective be?" I appreciate the fact the brothers have released watchtower articles about brothers and sisters who've struggled and successfully overcome these issues. Last year, I recently relapsed with my pornography addiction. Of course, I admitted it. It wasn't even something I needed to be reproved for or anything. I told them the truth. It was hard, but they comforted me. Since that period last year, I've become so incredibly discouraged that I can hardly make it to the meetings. Door to door has become non-existent, and I get my field service time in through return visits and studies. My Dad is the Coordinator, and he's been absolutely great to me. That having been said, I feel like I've been drawing further and further away from the congregation and Jehovah. I pray to him several times a day, deeply. But it just gets harder and harder. I found myself looking at (very minor) forms of sexualized images again. It's an addiction I use to cope, but I hate it. I'm afraid and alone and every single part of me is fighting this. I'm exhausted. I'm burnt out. I'm discouraged. I'm depressed. Part of me just wants a relationship. I just want intimacy. It doesn't need to be sexual even. I had a friend I could talk to about anything. He killed himself 2 years ago just before being DF'd for drug abuse. That really messed with my head. I went through a period where I was cutting myself every night. I drank just before I got drunk almost every night. I was so alone. One of my best friends left the organization and it killed me. He told me I was part of the reason for it, because I was critical of his actions. Apparently I didn't love him enough. I was crushed. These events have made me questions whether it's worth it, whether this is the truth at all. I know it is, but I find myself drifting further and further away. Even though I pray and try so hard, it just gets more difficult. Please, please help me I suppose my question, then, is if anyone else has gone through this, and what they feel?