Jack Ryan
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Posts posted by Jack Ryan
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Giving up shopping, hair appointments and chocolate.
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago,” the homeless woman told me.
“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” I asked.
“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” I asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”
“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you the money… Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.”
The homeless woman was shocked. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
I said, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and chocolate.”
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Frank - A Really Special Guy.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank… he’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with he pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was somebody really special.”
Cabbie: “Oh hell there’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all bout wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything—. Not like me - I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank, he could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank .
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well. I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife”.
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1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?7) What was King George VI’s first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below….
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert
8 ) What color is a purple finch?Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed?Me, too!
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)
Pass this on to your brilliant friends.
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It was finals week and four college seniors decided they had worked hard enough.
Instead of studying for their last final, they went to a party. They were having so much fun, they lost track of time and missed the final.
The next day, they went to the professor and begged for a makeup final. To explain their absence they said their car had blown a tire on the way to the exam and there was no spare in the trunk. The professor agreed to let them take the test later that day.
The test time came and the professor put each young man in a separate room and handed out the test. It was a single sheet of paper with one question…“Which Tire?”
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Brooklyn, NY. $800.00
“Artist loft”
“Highly recommend a sleeping bag as there is minimal furniture.”
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Bedford Stuyvesant, Brooklyn. $300.00
“cozy 28 square foot room with a rustic feel”
“perfect for an old soul seeking a minimalist lifestyle”
“room features a special ergonomic space for your mattress with a gentle 45 degree angled slope”
“Not responsible for pre-existing spectral inhabitants” -
Bushwick, Brooklyn. $475.00
“very small room (about 9ftx9ft)”
“no window, a pole in the middle and a wall air vent”
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Linden, NJ. $350.00
“small room for rent in a attic for a single girl”
“i also will like to become more then just ur roomate like friends”
“i have place a pics of me here so please attach a pics of u when u ready”
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LOL. Ever had a day that went like this?
if u think that there has ever been a greater scene on television think again
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A group of friends from the local Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, “No mushrooms. They are too expensive.”
He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There’s plenty in the creek bed.”
She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”
He said, “Well, I see wild animals eating them and they’re OK.”
So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success. Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played ‘42’ and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet’s ear.
She said, “Mrs. Williams, Ol’ Spot is dead.”
Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now,” and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet, “You know that fella that run over Ol’ Spot never even stopped.”
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Seniors at a Cafe
in Topics
Posted
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at Tim Horton’s.
“My arms have go so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know,” said another, “My cataracts are so bad; can’t even see my coffee.”
“I couldn’t even mark an "X” at election time because my hands are so crippled,“ volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you”, said one elderly lady.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.
“I forget where I am and where I’m going,” said another.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
“Well, count your Blessings,” said a woman cheerfully,
“Thank God we can all still drive.”
via Humor