This is totally not something I would do. But I'm doing it because I need help. I need to live. I don't know if I can anymore.
That having been said, I'm completely terrified of who I am and why I am the way I am. I'm afraid of the fears and doubts I have in my mind. I try my best not to be angry at myself or Jehovah. I have a family that loves me, a congregation that's patient with me. I know that, from a logical point of view, they wouldn't care if I told them the truth about me. I haven't acted on my desires about anything (besides pornography, i'll get to that later. it's not serious) But I'm afraid everything will change. I love my family, I can't lose them. But I still feel completely alone. Every time somebody says something about gay people, my heart hurts. I always try to explain to friends and family that "gay people don't necessarily choose why they feel that way." I tell them "if you were gay and the only experience you had with Christianity was the hateful, bigoted garbage you see in Christendom, what would your perspective be?" I appreciate the fact the brothers have released watchtower articles about brothers and sisters who've struggled and successfully overcome these issues.
Last year, I recently relapsed with my pornography addiction. Of course, I admitted it. It wasn't even something I needed to be reproved for or anything. I told them the truth. It was hard, but they comforted me. Since that period last year, I've become so incredibly discouraged that I can hardly make it to the meetings. Door to door has become non-existent, and I get my field service time in through return visits and studies. My Dad is the Coordinator, and he's been absolutely great to me. That having been said, I feel like I've been drawing further and further away from the congregation and Jehovah. I pray to him several times a day, deeply. But it just gets harder and harder. I found myself looking at (very minor) forms of sexualized images again. It's an addiction I use to cope, but I hate it. I'm afraid and alone and every single part of me is fighting this. I'm exhausted. I'm burnt out. I'm discouraged. I'm depressed.
Part of me just wants a relationship. I just want intimacy. It doesn't need to be sexual even. I had a friend I could talk to about anything. He killed himself 2 years ago just before being DF'd for drug abuse. That really messed with my head. I went through a period where I was cutting myself every night. I drank just before I got drunk almost every night. I was so alone.
One of my best friends left the organization and it killed me. He told me I was part of the reason for it, because I was critical of his actions. Apparently I didn't love him enough. I was crushed.
These events have made me questions whether it's worth it, whether this is the truth at all. I know it is, but I find myself drifting further and further away. Even though I pray and try so hard, it just gets more difficult. Please, please help me
I suppose my question, then, is if anyone else has gone through this, and what they feel?