TrueTomHarley

Brothers worldwide have flooded me with requests to report on how Mr. Claus is doing on his Bible study. Or at least you never know when they may start.

I am happy to say he has been doing very well. Ever since that recent Watchtower on beards he is enthused. He drinks in information during each study – he’s a very eager student. And he loves the meetings. It’s even a little annoying. If the speaker makes even the lamest attempt at humor – say, he makes some crack about the microphone being too high or too short for him because the previous speaker was a giant or a pygmy, Mr. Claus will burst out with an earth-shaking  ‘HO! HO! HO!’ which is beginning to get on everyone’s nerves.

In fact, he can be so disruptive that the elders asked him (and me – keep him company) to sit in the second auditorium. As we entered that room, he said to me that the elders were ‘bad.’ He’s very judgmental that way, always trying to separate the good from the bad.

Lately I have become concerned. He canceled his study for tonight. A ‘prior engagement,’ he said. Of course, I nosed around until I discovered what he intended to do. And I didn’t like it! Surely, it’s a violation of Bible principles! Of course, a new student progresses at his own rate or not at all – it’s completely up to him. But I will help him see how he can better please God.

“Of course, you do what you like. But you are making such good progress, and I know you want to move forward, so I will tell you things that haven’t yet come up in your study, and you can incorporate them as you wish,” I began.

“So, you really are going to fly throughout the whole world in a sleigh pulled by animals that don’t normally fly, through frigid weather, and slide down millions of chimneys (at your age and girth!) with presents in the middle of the night? That is clearly an extreme sport and disrespects the precious gift of life!”

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Starting with Prince, a fierce and frolicking defense of Jehovah’s Witnesses. A riotous romp through their way of life. “We have become a theatrical spectacle in the world, and to angels and to men,” the Bible verse says. That being the case, let’s give them some theater! Let’s skewer the liars who slander the Christ! Let’s pull down the house on the axis lords! Let the seed-pickers unite!

Thirty years ago I studied the Bible with a refugee from Czechoslovakia who adopted me like a grandson. I used ‘The Truth that Leads to Eternal Life’ in English, she in Czech. Several times she mentioned that Jehovah’s Witnesses in her country were the most crude and backward (she said ‘ignorant’) of people. Several times she mentioned that her book was a terrible translation. What was amazing was that it was a translation at all. Our people at the time were denied education. The regime saw to it they were fired from their jobs. If they subsisted, they did so because they had picked up shoe repair skills or somesuch. (photo: Valarietarico.com)

Everyone else found it too inconvenient to not be able to buy nor sell without the mark of the beast. Jehovah’s Witnesses refused to give in (photo: valerietarico.com)

One fine Christmas Day, my wife was out driving. Our three or four year old daughter was in her car seat.

"Mom, let's stop at Wegmans so I can get a free cookie." It's a child-friendly policy Wegmans then had. (do they still?)  Imagine - a free cookie just for showing up!

"Honey, we can't, Wegmans is closed today." 

Wegmans closed? How is that possible? "Because today is Christmas."

My wife kept driving along and thought of all the other things she meant to do that day. Presently from the back seat came a low ominous epithet:

"I HATE Christmas!" the child grumbled.

Whenever my wife tells me to jump, I do it immediately, though not always with joy.

Nuclear war was once the only way possible to envision end of life on earth. Now there are many 

We have some nice-looking people 

Jehovah continued speaking to Ahaz: "Ask for a sign from Jehovah your God; it may be as deep as the Grave or as high as the sky."

But Ahaz said: "I will not ask, nor will I put Jehovah to the test."

Isaiah then said: "Listen, please, O house of David. Is it not enough that you try the patience of men? Must you also try the patience of God?"...Isaiah 7:10-13

My wife thought the best way to picture this passage is to think of a petulant child trying the patience of a parent: "This is SO tiring! Can't you, for once, just do as you are told?"

photo: Gary Thomasen

Our equivalent of the Big Bang 

Don't trust them. They do nothing but make trouble.

'Here Tom, here's where you can buy wheels with snowtires mounted for your Fit! Isn't that a good idea? Just think how safe the missus will feel!'

Well, sure...anything for the missus...I bought them.

Who would think the stupid things require a non-standard socket to attach the lug nuts....not standard, not metric...something else entirely! I never knew there was such a thing.

And if you can get your head around that, what about the special 'hub adapters' required for each wheel?! Of course, they supply all those things, but I've yet to remember them when taking my car to the shop for seasonal tire change.

Who can put up with nonsense like this? It's my own fault...when the package arrived and said "Free Aggravation Included" I should have been tipped off. 

It's not aggravation to Brother Bugatti. Such exasperating picayune stuff is the elixir of life to him! He thrives on it, like a hurricane gathering strength over warm water!

And this year changing the tires...someone had lost some (not all) of the hub adapters. Me? The tire shop? Brother Bugatti? Who knows?

Ah, well, if I must, I'll just buy more. Yeah...good luck on that! I don't remember where I ordered the things from. The likely source Brother Bugatti suggests is a no-go. "Don't you keep your paperwork?" he asks...he has paperwork for every car wash he's driven through since he was 16! No...not after two years...I don't.

Ah...wait. Here's the box from Gorilla Automotive. Yes...the wheel company does carry that brand. No, they won't sell them to me separate without proof that I bought them there...liability issues! Today I'll call Gorilla directly. I just hope the CEO isn't Harambe, who took a leave of absence three months ago and hasn't been heard from since.

I've never owned mounted snows in my life until Brother Bugatti came along. Nor even snows after seventies...All weather-tires work just fine. What was I thinking?

Mounted snows on all four tires are safer, says Brother Bugatti. Well, so are tank treads!

photo: Lothar Spurzem

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Dear Tom @ LoveLine:

That obnoxious brother with the 60 queens and  concubines can't take a hint. He's getting very forward with me. Recently, he quoted me his favorite scripture:

"How beautiful you are and how pleasant 
you are, O beloved girl, above all 
exquisite delights!

Your stature is like a palm 
tree, 
and your breasts are like 
date clusters.

I said, "I will climb the palm
 tree
To take hold of its stalks
 of fruit....Song of Solomon 7:6-8

What should I do?

Dear Person:

You need to quote him your favorite scripture, from Song of Georgia Satellite 2:4-6

"That's when she told me a story 'bout free milk and a cow
And said, "No huggee, no kissee until I get a wedding vow"
My honey, my baby, don't put my love upon no shelf
She said, "Don't hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself"

Dear Tom @ LoveLine:

There's this obnoxious brother at the Kingdom Hall making advances toward me. I want him to drop dead, but my parents are pushing him because he has a lot of dough.

I think he's sincere but I don't know. He has 60 wives and 80 concubines. They take up the entire 2nd auditorium. But he has said many endearing things to me, like: "Only one is my dove, my flawless one." 

I agree. Photo is too sensual. Use this one instead.

photo: Jason Meredith 

Dear Tom @ LoveLine:

There's this obnoxious brother at the Kingdom Hall making advances toward me. I want him to drop dead, but my parents are pushing him because he has a lot of dough.

I think he's sincere but I don't know. He has 60 wives and 80 concubines. They take up the entire 2nd auditorium. But he has said many endearing things to me, like: "Only one is my dove, my flawless one." 

Sitting there at the congregation meeting considering the Song of Solomon, why not put some of those verses to good use?

I leaned over toward my wife and whispered "like a lily among thorns is my beloved among the daughters." (SoS 2:2)

Her eyes softened. "I love you, dear," she whispered to me. "And I love you," I whispered back.

The meeting ended. We strolled hand in hand to the door.

All the other sisters were there. "You calling us 'thorns?' they said.

Uh oh

I knew Seth Sheepngoats would pull something like this, I knew it! The tip-off should have been when I saw him go into that costume shop.

He arrived at the Kingdom Hall just like anyone else yesterday. But halfway through the Watchtower Study, he reached into his bag and tied something behind his neck.

When he emerged, it was with a huge, magnificent Santa Claus beard!

He is such an idiot!

With almost all subjects, the smarter you are, the more likely you'll figure it out.

Not so with spiritual matters. Smarts aren't the determining factor. They can even get in your way, if they've caused you to become full of yourself.

How else can you explain the verse from the kr book last meeting?

"To you it is granted to understand the sacred secrets of the Kingdom of the heavens, but to them it is not granted."    Matthew 13:11

It's so easy to start singing to the choir.

If all I had was entertainment reporters, I would think Prince only sang two words his entire life: 'Purple rain, purple rain'....fade out. STOP IT!

He left behind a vault so stocked he can release an album per year for 100 years - it can't be just the two words repeated endlessly.

Stupid lazy unimaginative journalists! You don't do that to Bob Dylan. I never hear the same words twice when you do him!

And what's with the obligatory purple? Prince would hate that! You couldn't get him to sign an autograph. He didn't want to be worshipped.

He would also hate the record company releasing his unreleased music from prior to his JW days. He was raunchy back then and he deliberately buried that stuff when he became a Christian. 

After his death, he loses control of his own image.

Photo: Penner

To locate true Christianity, look for the group whose members are individually praised but collectively reviled. 

Acts 28:22

Good analogy last week about the messinger preparing the way. You have to clear away the rubble before you can build.

Thank you, Brother Pul. You were working on counsel point #235, parking. We appreciate the progress you have made.

The Benefit book says on page 647: "Poor parking can detract from the ministry. If your householder thinks you don't know how to park, he may also think you don't know anything else. Or he may worry you will wipe out his lawn ornaments driving away."

Brother Pul, you are making very fine progress. Much of your car was squarely in the parking spot. Good job! But we want you to work on this point one more time. Notice again what the Benefit book says: "How can a minister gauge his parking before exiting the car? One brother said 'I always look out the windows to see if there are yellow lines all around.' You may find this point difficult to master at first, but with full confidence in God's spirit, you can succeed."

Thank you again, Brother Pul, and we look forward to your next try. Warn us if we are on the sidewalk before you try.

In view of what the Bible says about chasing money, a denomination ought to be embarrassed to be at the top.

Editing my book. Tom Irregardless.

Mormons have to be right up there. JWs close to or at the bottom.