By The Librarian
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte and then everything crashed.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars". One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars". The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
By The Librarian
Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
By Guest Nicole
We are concerned about reports of canine heart disease, known as dilated cardiomyopathy (DCM), in dogs that ate certain pet foods containing peas, lentils, other legumes or potatoes as their main ingredients. These reports are highly unusual as they are occurring in breeds not typically genetically prone to the disease,” said Martine Hartogensis, D.V.M., deputy director of the FDA’s Center for Veterinary Medicine’s Office of Surveillance and Compliance. “The FDA is investigating the potential link between DCM and these foods. We encourage pet owners and veterinarians to report DCM cases in dogs who are not predisposed to the disease.”
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration’s Center for Veterinary Medicine and the Veterinary Laboratory Investigation and Response Network, a collaboration of government and veterinary diagnostic laboratories, are investigating the potential association between reports of canine dilated cardiomyopathy (DCM) in dogs and certain pet foods the animals consumed, containing peas, lentils, other legume seeds or potatoes as main ingredients. Canine DCM is a disease of a dog’s heart muscle and often results in congestive heart failure. In cases that are not linked to genetics, heart function may improve with appropriate veterinary treatment and dietary modification if caught early.
What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in
it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so
much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried
in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please
don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom
asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen
with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James
asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular
Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended
toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we
are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very
obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly
in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into
her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number.
"What kind of car was he driving?" he asked.
"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."
At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for
the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car
they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.
It worked. About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression
on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck...
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
By Guest Indiana
Marie Trainer's limbs were amputated after a rare infection led to sepsis.
(CNN)Days after returning home from a Punta Cana vacation, Marie Trainer called out of work with a backache and nausea. Then her temperature spiked and dropped, sending her to a local Stark County, Ohio, emergency room in the early hours of May 11.
When Trainer woke in a hospital bed nine days later, her hands and legs had been amputated.
It took doctors seven days to discover Trainer incurred a severe infection, not from a "tropical" travel disease as they first suspected, but from her German shepherd's kisses.
Read more: https://edition.cnn.com/2019/08/02/health/amputation-dog-lick-ohio-woman/index.html
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL, 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT ... BEEN OUT AWHILE .. BETTER
BE A REWARD.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED ... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE &DONUTS.
FOR SALE: ONE MAN SIX WOMAN HOT TUB
(AND THE BEST ONE) . .
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - no longer
needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
By Guest Nicole
ARLINGTON – A dog attacked two Jehovah’s Witnesses missionaries sharing their faith on Tuesday in Arlington, while two more people were also injured trying to restrain the animal, officials said.
The attack happened at 12:26 p.m. when a four-member missionary team arrived in a truck unannounced at a home in the 6500 block of 204th Street NE near Arlington Cemetery, city spokeswoman Kristin Banfield said.
When police and fire personnel arrived, they found four people who suffered varying degrees of injuries. A 76-year-old woman seriously wounded in the attack was taken to Providence Regional Medical Center in Everett, while her fellow missionary, a 40-year-old woman, was transported to Cascade Valley Hospital in Arlington for treatment of minor injuries.
A 63-year-old woman and 31-year-old man associated with the home were also taken to Cascade with minor injuries.
The two other missionaries were not hurt.
Witnesses reported that two people were attacked by the dog, then two other were injured trying to restrain the dog, Banfield said.
The dog, believed to be a pit bull breed, was released to Arlington police and requested by the dog’s owner to be euthanized.
Police are continuing to investigate the incident, and have not shared details on what prompted the attack.
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The food display looks enticing to you doesn't it?
Well... it also is lickable and a temptation that some dogs also find irresistible
Think twice before wrapping your fingers around that sandwich or wrap..
And no... this wasn't a "service dog"
Public Health in restaurant establishments in the United States has plummeted over the past few years unfortunately.
People years ago would have been horrified by this.
But isn't a dogs tongue supposedly cleaner than a humans? (why do I doubt this wives tale?)
By Guest Nicole
As a pet owner, here’s a good rule of thumb to follow: If it’s too hot outside for you, then it’s way too hot for your dog.
Jason Nicholas, veterinarian and chief medical officer at Preventive Vet, says once weather hits 80 degrees Fahrenheit (which seems like Antarctica compared to last week’s 100-plus degree heat wave), pet owners should start taking precautions. Nicholas says he’s seen far too many cases of dogs with heatstroke, a deadly, but completely preventable, condition.
Why can't dogs handle the same weather that humans can? As much as the guy with long blonde hair may look like his similarly-styled Afghan hound, dogs and humans are separate species with much different tolerances to temperature. We have the luxury of being swathed in a massive, perspiring organ that cools us from head to toe. But dogs' thick fur coats make it harder for them to get rid of heat.
Instead of sweating, the main way a dog lowers its body temperature is through panting. These heavy, quick breaths expel heat and cause moisture to evaporate, which cools the blood in the mouth and tongue. However, certain conditions make this technique ineffective. In high humidity, evaporation happens more slowly—which means that even in a nice, shady refuge, no amount of panting will bring down a dog’s internal temperature.
Read more: https://www.popsci.com/keep-dogs-cool
By Guest Nicole
That's what friends are forÂ
Stray dog kicked by driver for being in his parking bay returns with a pack of friendsÂ… and trashes his carÂ
By Guest Nicole
Dogs are equipped with a powerful sense of smell, but scientists haven’t been sure if our canine companions are capable of linking an aroma or scent to a physical object. New research suggests this is very much the case, and that dogs form a mental picture in their mind of the target when they’re tracking down a scent.
For humans, vision is an incredibly important sense. Dogs, by contrast, rely more on their senses of smell and hearing to gather information about the world around them. Their vision actually sucks, having a visual acuity that’s four to eight times worse than ours. What’s more, their line of sight is just a few inches off the ground (depending on the breed), so they’ve got a very truncated view of the horizon. And contrary to popular myth, dogs don’t see the world in black and white; they are red-green colorblind, meaning they can’t distinguish between objects that are green, yellow, and red.
But what they lack in visual acuity is compensated for by their powerful ears and noses. Dogs have excellent hearing, picking up frequencies between 40 Hz to 60 kHz, whereas humans hear between 12 Hz to 20 kHz. Canines have over 18 muscles in each ear, allowing them to independently orient their ears like radar dishes; dogs can hear sounds that are four times further away compared to humans.
And then there’s their remarkable sense of smell. Dogs have highly a specialized organ in their noses equipped with 300 million olfactory receptors. They’ve also got an olfactory organ in their brain that’s 40 times bigger than ours. The end result is a sense of smell that’s 10,000 times more powerful than humans. “If you make the analogy to vision, what you and I can see at a third of a mile, a dog could see more than 3,000 miles away and still see as well,” Florida State University scientist James Walker told Nova a few years back.
Full article: https://gizmodo.com/more-evidence-that-dogs-see-the-world-with-their-powe-1823557475?mc_cid=cad12f8f43&mc_eid=bca088da12
By Guest Nicole
Man Builds 'Dog Train' To Take Rescued Pups Out On Little Adventures
Eugene Bostick may have officially retired about 15 years ago, but in some ways that was when his most impactful work began.
Not long after, he embarked on a new career path of sorts - as a train conductor for rescued stray dogs.
The lively 80-year-old Fort Worth, Texas, native says he never planned on dedicating his golden years to helping needy pets. Instead, it was a duty thrust upon him by the heartlessness of others.
"We live down on a dead-end street, where me and my brother have a horse barn," Bostick told The Dodo. "People sometimes come by and dump dogs out here, leaving them to starve. So, we started feeding them, letting them in, taking them to the vet to get them spayed and neutered. We made a place for them to live."
Read more:Â https://www.thedodo.com/man-builds-dog-train-for-rescued-pups-1362467342.html
By Guest Nicole
Everyone knows that a dog is a man’s best friend, but a recently released Swedish study is giving that hackneyed saying a whole new meaning for men — and women — everywhere.
The study, published in Scientific Reports on Friday, found that dog ownership may really help you live longer.
The study tracked, over a period of 12 years, more than 3.4 million Swedish adults without a history of heart disease. Overall, the study concluded, dog ownership was associated with lower risk of cardiovascular disease and "all-cause mortality" in the general population.
The effects of dog ownership were especially pronounced in single-person households, where the presence of a pet lowered the risk of death by 33 percent and chances of a heart attack by 11 percent.
The study linked ownership of breeds originally bred for hunting, including terriers and retrievers, with the lowest risk of CVD.
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