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ImStrugglingBad

I'm 24, I'm Gay, I'm a Virgin, I'm Your Brother, and I'm Very Scared & Alone

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This is totally not something I would do. But I'm doing it because I need help. I need to live. I don't know if I can anymore.

That having been said, I'm completely terrified of who I am and why I am the way I am. I'm afraid of the fears and doubts I have in my mind. I try my best not to be angry at myself or Jehovah. I have a family that loves me, a congregation that's patient with me. I know that, from a logical point of view, they wouldn't care if I told them the truth about me. I haven't acted on my desires about anything (besides pornography, i'll get to that later. it's not serious) But I'm afraid everything will change. I love my family, I can't lose them. But I still feel completely alone. Every time somebody says something about gay people, my heart hurts. I always try to explain to friends and family that "gay people don't necessarily choose why they feel that way." I tell them "if you were gay and the only experience you had with Christianity  was the hateful, bigoted garbage you see in Christendom, what would your perspective be?"  I appreciate the fact the brothers have released watchtower articles about brothers and sisters who've struggled and successfully overcome these issues. 

Last year, I recently relapsed with my pornography addiction. Of course, I admitted it. It wasn't even something I needed to be reproved for or anything. I told them the truth. It was hard, but they comforted me. Since that period last year, I've become so incredibly discouraged that I can hardly make it to the meetings. Door to door has become non-existent, and I get my field service time in through return visits and studies. My Dad is the Coordinator, and he's been absolutely great to me. That having been said, I feel like I've been drawing further and further away from the congregation and Jehovah. I pray to him several times a day, deeply. But it just gets harder and harder. I found myself looking at (very minor) forms of sexualized images again. It's an addiction I use to cope, but I hate it. I'm afraid and alone and every single part of me is fighting this. I'm exhausted. I'm burnt out. I'm discouraged. I'm depressed.

Part of me just wants a relationship. I just want intimacy. It doesn't need to be sexual even. I had a friend I could talk to about anything. He killed himself 2 years ago just before being DF'd for drug abuse. That really messed with my head. I went through a period where I was cutting myself every night. I drank just before I got drunk almost every night. I was so alone. 

One of my best friends left the organization and it killed me. He told me I was part of the reason for it, because I was critical of his actions. Apparently I didn't love him enough. I was crushed.

These events have made me questions whether it's worth it, whether this is the truth at all. I know it is, but I find myself drifting further and further away. Even though I pray and try so hard, it just gets more difficult. Please, please help me

I suppose my question, then, is if anyone else has gone through this, and what they feel?

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I'm very sorry you are going through this, @ImStrugglingBad, but please be assured you are not alone. I'm also very sorry about the close friends you've lost. But I'm glad you have had some understanding and support from the congregation - not everyone gets that.

It's worrying that the stress and depression has reached levels so that you want to self-harm. Please, please contact a suicide prevention helpline if you are getting these urges.

    Hello guest!

    Hello guest!

As I said, you are not alone. You might like to read stories of those who have been struggling as you have.

    Hello guest!
-This site has a private forum where you may find support from fellow gay JWs. I don't know the quality or vibe of the forum,  so you'll have to figure out for yourself whether it's a healthy and comfortable place to be.

There's also this person's experience you might like to read:

    Hello guest!

You are valuable, wanted, and loved. There will be a way through this. Please hang in there. (((Internet hugs)))

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I write and a chapter of the 'Irregardless' book is devoted to this topic. Info on my profile page.

I won't post it online because I want to sell books. But if you email me, you or anyone similar gets it free. Even if you buy it, it's just six bucks. But it's free to anyone who suffer $ hardship. 

Here is an excerpt:

Fortunately, none of us are judged on feelings, but rather on deeds. Still, it’s good to get one feelings aligned with God’s standards, if at all possible, because feelings have a way of eventually showing up as deeds. I have only admiration for those Christians with gay leanings who are determined to live in accord with Bible standards. They are determined to stay celibate, if need be for the duration of this system, in their service to God, with faith that it will turn out well for them in the end, that their homosexual leanings will lessen and disappear over time, whether in this system or the next. This, in the face of a cacophony of propaganda that insists: ‘once gay, always gay.’

With any gays among us, it’s like swimming when swept out by the tide. They don’t try to swim against it, exerting all their might to will themselves straight; that’s a great recipe for failure – human sexuality doesn’t work that way. They don’t try to swim with the tide, abandoning themselves as slaves to their feelings. Instead, they swim parallel to it, likely for a long time, in hopes their feelings will eventually modify, allowing them to reach shore. Who else faces a comparable battle? It doesn’t seem quite fair, does it? One might argue that their faith in God is deeper than that of most, since they stay loyal to his arrangements despite the very real testimony of their own bodies. I have zero respect for frothing church types who rail against gays when they themselves have never been called upon to raise their little finger in comparable struggles.

Singleness as a way of life was once a quite common and respectable lifestyle, with no connotations whatsoever of abnormality. Read the classics and that point is easily established. But today, largely through the media, everything is sex, and people have come to define themselves in terms of their sexuality. It’s a herculean time for a gay person to be “fighting the fine fight.”

For once, I will not slam @Ann O'Malybecause she presents options and her utmost concern is for you. Perhaps I should even reexamine and walk back some other slams I have made. 

There is that verse somewhere that says 'I am convinced there is nothing to come between us and God's love (or is it Christ's?) neither this nor that nor a long list of hardships.' I like that verse. 

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Hey bro, may Jehovah bring you the peace you so need right now! (Col 3:15; Phil 4:7)

The key to life though, is isolating the roots of those feelings. They will be mixed and knotted up with thoughts and feelings that in themselves are not actually "gay". Our articles focus on the "choice" side of things, but avoid the genetic predisposition side, because it's a hornets nest of political volleying, as well as, may contain information that supports being "born gay" that our articles are shy from confronting head on. Our understanding is, that even if it was a genetic predisposition, everyone has the ability to choose how to act or not to act. While this may be true, it is not very encouraging or helpful when a "gay bro" wants to do what is right, but few are able to offer effective support. The sites suggested above by Ann are only interested in getting you away from the organization. Of course, that choice is yours.

Some things we can't choose:

Romans 5:12 The cause of sin is passed down to every generation. It is hereditary - therefore in whole or in part, it is genetic. But even if we are genetically predisposed to some trait, the bros say we can still choose not to act. This statement was well-meant, but it has created a cycle of illness and suicidal ideation for "gay bros".

Ephesians 6: 1-4 We cannot choose how we were raised and treated by our parents. In all likelihood, they followed that guidance that you have also read and tried to adhere to closely it. Sometimes though, there can be a parental imbalance where you may be much closer to one rather than the other. Or one parent may not be well enough, and shoulders more of the responsibility for raising you. Experts say, that our most impressionable first five years of life, are really important to how we end up thinking and acting as adults later in life! If, for example, a parent is not present for sometime in that period, it can affect them for life, if someone else does not fill that role during that time.

Psalm 139: 13-17 All your parts are "written" in your 'genetic code' (Awake August 2015 Page 5). That being the case the question keeps arising "Why am I the way I am?" Does that reflect how you feel?

Some things to dwell on:

Is guilt good, bad, or can it be both? Try to think of 2 or 3 strong scriptures that may go with each answer. Then, try to reason on which answer reflects what you know Jehovah to be like. Try not to answer in the way you know you "should", but how you actually feel. 

Note: Do not answer these publicly, but go through them privately.

How valuable do you feel to Jehovah? Draw three columns; Name each column Heart, Mind, Body; Write your answer for each column - for example, the Heart column means "How valuable does my heart feel to Jehovah? etc; Reflect on the answers in each column. They will likely be different in each. Try to think of 2 or 3 strong scriptures that may explain the answers for each column. The next bit may be very hard and requires you to draw on every scripture you may. Ask yourself, what scriptural principles will help harmonize the three columns?

Don't worry if your Bible knowledge isn't too great, even the gist of the scripture can be helpful. If you have any concern about what I've written, please show it to someone you feel comfortable with, for their view on these scriptural exercises.

I've probably blabbed on way too long, sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Get a puppy and become its best friend ... if that doesn't work ... get TWO puppies.

It may not solve all your relationship problems .. but it may take care of 90%.

This comes under the category of "Praise the LORD, and pass the ammunition." ..

or for those Snowflakes that that offends, "Pray toward Heaven, Row towards shore."

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Guest Nicole

@James Thomas Rook Jr. that advice of getting a puppy is very useful, as per my own experience it has helped me to struggle depression besides other strategies, I was blessed when my two dogs came to my life in 2014. Taking care of others helps. 

    Hello guest!
Screen Shot 2017-09-10 at 1.29.35 PM.png

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2 hours ago, Birdie said:

The sites suggested above by Ann are only interested in getting you away from the organization.

The jwhc site, as far as I can tell, is a pro-JW one. (Or do you have first-hand knowledge to the contrary?) That's why I suggested it for the OP and avoided giving links to the many online ex-jw LGBT+ support groups available.

The national helpline sites are there for all, regardless of a person's belief system.

The jwfacts link was there because it gave a gay JW's personal experience.

I hope @ImStrugglingBad checks back soon so that we know he's OK.

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Thanks Ann. I agree, some JW LBGT sites only encourage ones away. Some have attempted to show mistranslation of the Greek words we translate Homosexuality or "contrary to nature" or similar phrases. Some of the word origins were quite interesting. I too hope that he returns or finds encouragement at the moment. 

 

James, by far the ones that are quite and gentle spirited are much less a threat or danger, than those who have a red blooded, straight, look but, underneath are as violently inflamed as Paul described. Satans misdirection in this case, relies on ignorance, while diverting attention on ones actually trying to do the right thing.

 

 

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52 minutes ago, Nicole said:

 that advice of getting a puppy is very useful, as per my own experience it has helped me to struggle depression besides other strategies, I was blessed when my two dogs came to my life in 2014. Taking care of others helps. 

Those that do not understand substitution think what I made was a flippant comment ... I assure you... it was as serious as a heart attack. 

Dogs are the ONLY THING ON EARTH THAT LOVE YOU MORE THAN THEY LOVE THEMSELVES.

One time I was single for 12 years and I traveled with 11 aquatic turtles in my pickup truck camper. Taking care of an aquarium full of turtles ( red eared sliders ) in a camper was an ACCEPTABLE outlet for my loneliness from Jehovah's viewpoint. 

wIERD ... (WOOeeeOOOO), but acceptable.

When I met an agreeable Sister I wanted to marry, I let the turtles go in the upper James River, near Richmond, Virginia.

I hope they lived, and did well ....

You do what you HAVE to do.  

Make a decision .... THIS I WILL DO ... and THIS I WILL NOT DO ... and be resolute. GRIT YOUR TEETH and dig in for battle., as the enemy is at the gates !

Find some acceptable "crutches" that WILL support you.

Generally, "friends" and "good advice" is useless.

 

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2 hours ago, Birdie said:

Thanks Ann. I agree, some JW LBGT sites only encourage ones away.

? I don't think I said that.

1 hour ago, James Thomas Rook Jr. said:

Those that do not understand substitution think what I made was a flippant comment ... I assure you... it was as serious as a heart attack. 

That you were serious makes it worse, JTR.

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15 hours ago, TrueTomHarley said:

There is that verse somewhere that says 'I am convinced there is nothing to come between us and God's love (or is it Christ's?) neither this nor that nor a long list of hardships.' I like that verse. 

The scripture is Romans 8: 38, 39. I made a point of memorizing it as it is one of my favorite scriptures.

" For I am convinced that neither death nor life nor angels nor governments nor things now here nor things to come nor powers nor height nor depth nor any other creation will be able to separate us from God’s love that is in Christ Jesus our Lord".

It was at one of the conventions last year, where it followed the story of the young brother who played the violin, I think. He went through all kinds of challenges that tested his faith, including persecution, and in the end a test of faith as he prepared to go in for life threatening surgery. This scripture was something that his father told him when he was young, and it stuck with him all his life. He said no matter what trials life threw at him, he was going to let nothing separate him from Jehovah and Jesus.

I couldn't help but notice this plea by our brother @ImStrugglingBadand fell compelled to say something too. The trials imposed on us by our imperfections are especially testing, and more so when they involve strong emotion and desire for companionship. That urge can be so strong for heterosexuals too that they will sometimes do anything to satisfy it, even putting their relationship with Jehovah in jeopardy. There is nothing wrong with yearning for companionship of course, but due to inherited imperfection in the case of someone with homosexual tendencies, it is misdirected, and because of that, it is bad. I always feel so sorry for our friends who are struggling with this particular type of imperfection. (My hair stylist, who is a brother, is struggling in this way) It's like they are in no man's land. It's often compared to someone who is heterosexual not being able to find a mate, and as a result staying celibate. But it's not quite like that. The heterosexual person knows that the potential for finding a partner is there, however the person with homosexual leanings knows there is no way he can satisfy that desire until in the new system when that desire becomes correctly channeled towards the opposite sex.  Homosexual desires are nothing but another type of imperfection that we have Satan to thank for. But it's particularly cruel type of imperfection for the reasons already mentioned above. It always makes me hate Satan that much more.

Please, @ImStrugglingBadhang in there. Get some help from experts who respect your religious belief. Get busy doing things for others so that thinking about yourself becomes less overwhelming. And mainly, please, rest assured that Jehovah cares for you deeply and that he cannot wait to heal you, and all of us. Be convinced that "nothing will be able to separate you from God's love"

 

 

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15 hours ago, TrueTomHarley said:

Singleness as a way of life was once a quite common and respectable lifestyle, with no connotations whatsoever of abnormality. Read the classics and that point is easily established. But today, largely through the media, everything is sex, and people have come to define themselves in terms of their sexuality. It’s a herculean time for a gay person to be “fighting the fine fight.”

A good observation that is sometimes forgotten

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Thank you so much, Anna. 

The overwhelming nature of this weakness, coupled with chronic physical and mental illness makes it difficult to cope. I know Jehovah loves me and that he understands. Sometimes I ask Jehovah if he would be happier had I either not been born, or if I was never one of his dedicated servants in the first place. All I do is disappoint him. I feel like simply existing brings reproach on him, as well as the congregation. When I slipped up and looked at pornography, I felt that nothing was ever going to fix anything. I tried. I really did. But the longer time goes on, the more I feel I'm going to fail again. Every day since I was a teenager, I've wondered whether Jehovah would approve of me in the new world. I know he loves me, but I don't know that he approves of me. I feel perverted, diseased, and completely inadequate. That's why I wonder whether death is a better option. Because I feel that maybe, just maybe, the death will cover over the sin of my existence. And if not, Jehovah can forget me. My family and friends would forget me in the new world, and I wouldn't be here to bring reproach on Jehovah. 

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Every journey begins with a single step ... when you are going through Hell ... be resolved to GO THROUGH Hell, and not stay there.

Emotional healing begins with getting some real tactile unconditional love.

In the world they say "You can't get over someone, until you get UNDER someone", but since that option will get you killed, and worse ... again, I recommend puppies as a first giant step to good emotional health.

The point is TACTILE love ... hugs, kisses, wagging tails, ecstatic to see you, ALL THE TIME.

They don't care if you are ugly, crippled, brilliant, or stupid ... AND .. their love is unconditional if treated properly.

They love people MORE than they love other puppies!

It's impossible to be depressed, while laying on your back on the floor,  with a box full of happy puppies crawling all over you !

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53 minutes ago, ImStrugglingBad said:

Every day since I was a teenager, I've wondered whether Jehovah would approve of me in the new world. I know he loves me, but I don't know that he approves of me.

Dear @ImStrugglingBad , actually, we ARE all perverted, diseased, and completely inadequate.  If Jehovah didn't approve of you, then he would not be able to approve of ANY of us. Jehovah looks at these thing differently to us, and although our hearts can condemn us, he does not. He knows our imperfections and weaknesses are not our fault and you must believe that too. I heard one brother reason once that Jehovah is the only one who can see our potential, how we will be when all our imperfections are removed from us. That makes sense because Jehovah has that ability to project into the future if he wants. So he can see you perfect in the new world, and that is why you can meet his approval already now. Does that make sense?

So please don't think that you existing brings reproach on him.  On the contrary, you existing gives him another opportunity to call Satan a liar. It's like True Tom said,  in today's society  " It’s a herculean time for a gay person to be “fighting the fine fight.” 

Please, don't give up. Stay with all of his Witnesses who are all trying their best to cope with Satan's world where good is made to be bad, and bad is made to look good.  And when I said seek expert help, I meant especially regarding your suicidal thoughts. Any time you need to talk you can send me a direct message.

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So glad you have posted again, @ImStrugglingBad.

6 hours ago, ImStrugglingBad said:

That's why I wonder whether death is a better option. Because I feel that maybe, just maybe, the death will cover over the sin of my existence. And if not, Jehovah can forget me.

Doesn't this make Jesus' sacrifice redundant? Your death isn't the answer. According to the Christian gospel, it is Jesus' sacrificial blood and one's faith in that that covers over your (and everybody else's) sins.

Romans 3:22-24

"... yes, God’s righteousness through the faith in Jesus Christ, for all those having faith. For there is no distinction. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and it is as a free gift that they are being declared righteous by his undeserved kindness through the release by the ransom paid by Christ Jesus."

Ephesians 2:8

"By this undeserved kindness you have been saved through faith, and this is not of your own doing; rather, it is God’s gift."

Notice the tenses used here: "are being saved" and "have been saved." Jesus has done it for you already. Your death accomplishes nothing. And your existence isn't a sin. It has worth; you have as much entitlement to exist as the rest of us.

Have you explored those links? How do you feel about them? Respond privately if you prefer.

 

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10 hours ago, ImStrugglingBad said:

My family and friends would forget me in the new world, and I wouldn't be here to bring reproach on Jehovah. 

Unfortunately, he is stuck with you, the same way he is stuck with me.

Many times he has tried to get out of his contract with me, which he perhaps feels he made too hastily. However, I always show him the forgiveness clause and he has no recourse but to back down - even though he may grumble about it. I have him over a barrel.

I'm kidding, of course, but only partly. There is a forgiveness clause - though, to be sure, we are not to "accept the undeserved kindness of God and miss its purpose." But let God determine when that has happened, not you.

10 hours ago, ImStrugglingBad said:

I know he loves me, but I don't know that he approves of me.

Good. That means you also don't know that he doesn't approve of you. Assume that he does. Focus on the love. The forgiveness clause has him backed into a corner. You have him where you want him.

 

10 hours ago, ImStrugglingBad said:

That's why I wonder whether death is a better option.

Because you figure Jehovah would understand your feelings and forgive you? He probably would, but the fallacy is to think he will not regarding the current struggles you go through, even if you feel you are getting pasted. Your family will forgive you, too, but they will be crushed - perhaps for life.

 

10 hours ago, ImStrugglingBad said:

I feel perverted, diseased, and completely inadequate.

To the extent you can, lay off on this kind of thinking. We are all basket cases in one way or another - whether in the truth or not. Let God figure it out when and if you have disappointed him. All you really have to do for now is to avoid homosexual acts, which can't be super-hard because they always involve another party. In this respect you are no different from a straight person who is yet single. Viewing pornography is not good, but it is largely not good because it draws you into a funnel that doesn't end and the funnel skews your future ability to relate to a real person. Again, this is no less true of a straight person.

 

10 hours ago, ImStrugglingBad said:

All I do is disappoint him

No. Even if you are a complete scoundrel in your congregation - and your comments make it very clear that you are not - you are doing a tremendous service right now by bringing something taboo but potentially lethal out in the open and allowing others, many of whom are mature, to comment. It is a thread that may benefit not just you, but they, and also others who may have the same issue as they stumble across it later.

Lay off on the guilt, to the extent you can. Or put it in perspective. Count yourself like Paul who pummeled himself and declared himself a 'miserable man' because what he wanted to do he did not do, and what he did not want to do he did do. What was his issue, anyway? Who's to say he was not gay, facing exactly the same troubles you face? I've no reason to think it is true, but I have no reason to think it is not true. It doesn't matter. It could be true, and that is good enough for you. His exact demon is probably left vague for exactly that reason - to help many persons in many struggles who will see that he is saying "been there, done that" and say "maybe he is talking about my problem."

Maybe even self-abuse is what he is carrying on about. Who can say? Masturbation is not great, but it is in some respects like porn - its the end result of a long habit that will mess you up, not an instance of the habit itself. Recently I read in some city how the cops were busting men for masturbation in the park. These were businessmen in suits on their lunch hour who were married. There were not few of them. Yes, sexual appetite unrestrained leads to the most disturbing conduct, but that is not at all true of a lapse here and there, which can be shrugged off as an "oh, well - life goes on." Lay off on the guilt is what I'm saying. Big as that Bible is, and as many are the things that it condemns, it no where condemns self abuse specifically. You must read it in from other verses having to do with self-control and with wholesome outlook about proper sexual relations. You read it in properly, make no mistake, but you must read it in nonetheless. If it were really a big deal, it would be the 11th commandment. Sometimes I think it is as much a Victorian relic as a biblical one that we carry on about it as much we do.

What are the things that really get God going - from that proverb about the six things that he hates - no, wait - make that seven? He hates anyone spreading contentions among brothers. You doing that? I don't think so. He hates "feet that are in a hurry to run to badness." It seems you are doing all you can to glue yours to the floor. "A false tongue" he hates. You been doing any lying lately? It doesn't look like it here. Oh, and he hates "hands that are shedding innocent blood" How are you doing on that score? Killed anyone lately? I didn't think so. Cut out Proverbs 6:16-19 and mount it next to the yeartext on your bedroom wall. Mount it over the yeartext, if need be. 

10 hours ago, ImStrugglingBad said:

I tried. I really did.

Of course you did.

 

10 hours ago, ImStrugglingBad said:

But the longer time goes on, the more I feel I'm going to fail again

If you fail you fail. Find that scripture about the righteous man who falls seven times and yet gets up each time, and put it next to your other new yeartext. You know what 'seven' means in the Bible - it could be a thousand times he messed up. How come he doesn't lose his 'righteous' status at the 5th failing? Because that's how God is with us - none of us are 'clean.' He deals with it. He doesn't have to. We don't sit back and fleece him for it - that's why we carry on a struggle. But go easy on the guilt. "No temptation has taken you that is not common to men," Paul says, and you don't knock every ball out of the park.

The mantra "born gay" is self-defeating. There is little evidence that it is that way. Gayness may be firmly entrenched for as long as one can remember, but that is not the same thing. Who knows what triggers it? In my youth it was accepted wisdom that it came as a result of parental dynamics, a domineering mother and a retreating father - which is far less depressing for someone determined to abide by God's standards because it implies change is possible. That accepted wisdom was never disproved, just as it was never proved in the first place. It was merely drowned out by another model which has also never been proved, but it is the favored model because it validates a lifestyle that some want validated. If there is one thing that has proven crystal clear in recent decades - to the astonishment of most - it is how amazingly fluid sexuality is. It does not respect 'one man-one woman.' It does not respect gender lines. It does not even respect age limits. It jumps the rails at every turn and is only nudged back on track with only great difficulty. 

How to nudge it? Have 'plenty to do in the work of the Lord,' Paul says. Accept that you have homosexual leanings for now and be done with it. You cannot act upon them, you certainly  work against your own interests should you deliberately cultivate them, but the leanings themselves do not disqualify you. They will fade so subtly you will not notice it, probably over much time, in this system or the next, as you routinely rub shoulders with persons who in this regard have their act together. In other regards, you do and they don't, and when you see someone whose feet are "in a hurry to run to badness," you can stick out one of yours and trip them up. They'll thank you for it later. In this way also you can be like one of the genuine members of the Christian body, which works smoothly with the other members. I don't know that is what Paul had in mind but it works,

No, ISB, you are not a washout. You are doing your brothers a tremendous service and the best is yet to come. "Strengthen your brothers when once you return," Jesus said to Peter. He could strengthen them only because he had gone somewhere. Had he never gone on a difficult journey, he could do no more than say "I know just how you feel." "Yeah, sure you do," his intended recipient would say, rolling his eyes. 

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'The tribulation is momentary and light,' Paul says. They all are, though they sure don't seem that way at the time.

Oh. And my blog tomsheepandgoats.com has a category of 'Gays and Lesbians'  Some of the material I have dressed up and supplemented and weeded out the inelegancies to form that book chapter.

By the way, don't think I am passing off porn or masturbation as matters of no concern. Many smokers report they were hooked from the first cigarette. It is the same with a drink for an alcoholic. All I hope to posit is that these things are not on the A-list of things that will sink you spiritually in a heartbeat on first relapse. They are not category 5 sins.

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Nice article in next week's workbook to be given as a talk Theme: "Does Jehovah Assess in Advance How Much Pressure We Can Bear and Then Choose the Trials We Will Face?". I thought it could apply to this topic quite well too.

    Hello guest!

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@ImStrugglingBad I am so, so sorry you are struggling with this. 

My heart breaks for our young JW brothers and sisters that are struggling with their sexual orientation. There is little sympathy in the organization towards gay people, and it doesn't feel like the "Christian love" we always here about in the mags. 

But I want you to know that you ARE loved. Don't forget that. You are loved by God, and by me, and by so many other Christians! You are loved for trying so hard to do the right thing when giving in would be so much easier! That's something to be proud of! 

Throw your burden on Jehovah God. Don't worry about what others say. Lean on him alone. He can give you a power greater than human strength.

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Guest Nicole
On 9/10/2017 at 10:37 PM, James Thomas Rook Jr. said:

It's impossible to be depressed, while laying on your back on the floor,  with a box full of happy puppies crawling all over you !

I just reminded of your comment @James Thomas Rook Jr.  I just finished working out and was cooling down on my back on the floor and sweating, my dogs think I am playing with them  and one of them wants  to remove my sweat with his tongue ... they forget I'm tickled :D:D:D

By the way exercise and healthy meal help to struggle depression :) 

I have a gay friend, a JW in another congregation, he studied the Bible when he was young, and became a JW then he got back to homosexual practices and was disfellowship after many years he came back and now is serving in his congregation,  different ways assiting the elders, most of all have showed him love, he is very kind, and appreciated also by his non believers fellow workers at the hospital where he works as a nurse. So far I see he is enjoying life, of course he must have a terrible  internal war as many of us who want to serve God not matter our sexual orientation .... my point is that he is trying to enjoy life and be happy within his difficult circumstances. 

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On 9/10/2017 at 12:20 AM, ImStrugglingBad said:

 

Dear Young Struggling Brother,  

If I may, I will share my experience as a parent of a gay son.   My son was in his 20s when you admitted to me he was gay.  I remember it clearly.  I was in the kitchen and my son approached me saying he had something to tell me.   He is about 6'2 and I'm 5'7,  after straightforwardly saying: "I'm gay" he collapsed on my shoulders sobbing with his whole body.  I could tell this was a release of years of stress.  I held on while he went from sobbing to crying until he could pull himself erect again.  We were both crying and I assured him there was nothing that could extinguish my love for him.   Later in a quiet moment we talked about it.  I assured him that Jehovah and his family would love him but accepting behavior based on his "natural" desires would not be accepted.  He asked me; "so I can't be happy?"  I assured him he could but there are many who have restrictions on how they live their lives, me being one of them since I'm divorced.  I explained I can't go out and have a fling or date with just anyone even tho I'm free to do so.   I've been on a journey to understand why there are so many homosexual people.   Form follows function and it's clear from the human forms man and woman were engineered to be sexual mates.   I used to think it was a choice but seeing my son crying out, "I hate it" changed my thinking.   I don't understand.  I talked to a young photographer who told he was gay and said he doesn't understand it either.  I heard a Dr state it was a nutritional issue at a certain point when the embryo was developing,   We might not know until the new system what is causing this change (enviorment, nutrition, etc).  I know of 2 elders who are gay.   We older ones remember them growing up (they are brothers).  One left the truth and lived the gay lifestyle for a few years but returned to Jehovah and strengthened himself spiritually.  It's known by quite a few he is gay.   I continue to try to understand the mechanism but love the individuals.   

My suggestion to you is your stress comes from hiding what you are.  John Bradshaw (author) had a saying,  "you are as sick as your secrets".    Tell Jehovah you need to talk to a mature person and to please bring them info your life.   It sounds like you are fairly young and going thru the period of your life when you sexuality is as its peak, as you age it will lessen.  But what you need is someone to listen and care and accept you as you are.   Also, keep in mind there are sisters in the truth that will never marry or have that intimacy you crave as well.   We need close companionship that gives us honest and loving feedback no mater our gender.  I will pray for you, my dear brother.  Please don't give up, the world is sugarcoated and can appear as a solution but it's not.   Keep your self-respect.   If you need to send a personal email, I will surely answer.

Much love and concern,

Your Sister in the Universal Family of Jehovah

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