I'm 24, I'm Gay, I'm a Virgin, I'm Your Brother, and I'm Very Scared & Alone

[ImStrugglingBad]

This is totally not something I would do. But I'm doing it because I need help. I need to live. I don't know if I can anymore.

That having been said, I'm completely terrified of who I am and why I am the way I am. I'm afraid of the fears and doubts I have in my mind. I try my best not to be angry at myself or Jehovah. I have a family that loves me, a congregation that's patient with me. I know that, from a logical point of view, they wouldn't care if I told them the truth about me. I haven't acted on my desires about anything (besides pornography, i'll get to that later. it's not serious) But I'm afraid everything will change. I love my family, I can't lose them. But I still feel completely alone. Every time somebody says something about gay people, my heart hurts. I always try to explain to friends and family that "gay people don't necessarily choose why they feel that way." I tell them "if you were gay and the only experience you had with Christianity  was the hateful, bigoted garbage you see in Christendom, what would your perspective be?"  I appreciate the fact the brothers have released watchtower articles about brothers and sisters who've struggled and successfully overcome these issues. 

Last year, I recently relapsed with my pornography addiction. Of course, I admitted it. It wasn't even something I needed to be reproved for or anything. I told them the truth. It was hard, but they comforted me. Since that period last year, I've become so incredibly discouraged that I can hardly make it to the meetings. Door to door has become non-existent, and I get my field service time in through return visits and studies. My Dad is the Coordinator, and he's been absolutely great to me. That having been said, I feel like I've been drawing further and further away from the congregation and Jehovah. I pray to him several times a day, deeply. But it just gets harder and harder. I found myself looking at (very minor) forms of sexualized images again. It's an addiction I use to cope, but I hate it. I'm afraid and alone and every single part of me is fighting this. I'm exhausted. I'm burnt out. I'm discouraged. I'm depressed.

Part of me just wants a relationship. I just want intimacy. It doesn't need to be sexual even. I had a friend I could talk to about anything. He killed himself 2 years ago just before being DF'd for drug abuse. That really messed with my head. I went through a period where I was cutting myself every night. I drank just before I got drunk almost every night. I was so alone. 

One of my best friends left the organization and it killed me. He told me I was part of the reason for it, because I was critical of his actions. Apparently I didn't love him enough. I was crushed.

These events have made me questions whether it's worth it, whether this is the truth at all. I know it is, but I find myself drifting further and further away. Even though I pray and try so hard, it just gets more difficult. Please, please help me

I suppose my question, then, is if anyone else has gone through this, and what they feel?

[Ann O'Maly]

I'm very sorry you are going through this, @ImStrugglingBad, but please be assured you are not alone. I'm also very sorry about the close friends you've lost. But I'm glad you have had some understanding and support from the congregation - not everyone gets that.

It's worrying that the stress and depression has reached levels so that you want to self-harm. Please, please contact a suicide prevention helpline if you are getting these urges.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/lgbtq/

http://oneloveallequal.org/2016/08/24/self-harm-hotlines/

As I said, you are not alone. You might like to read stories of those who have been struggling as you have.

http://www.jwhc.info/a-personal-story.php -This site has a private forum where you may find support from fellow gay JWs. I don't know the quality or vibe of the forum,  so you'll have to figure out for yourself whether it's a healthy and comfortable place to be.

There's also this person's experience you might like to read: http://jwfacts.com/watchtower/blog/gay-jw-hardship.php

You are valuable, wanted, and loved. There will be a way through this. Please hang in there. (((Internet hugs)))

[TrueTomHarley]

I write and a chapter of the 'Irregardless' book is devoted to this topic. Info on my profile page.

I won't post it online because I want to sell books. But if you email me, you or anyone similar gets it free. Even if you buy it, it's just six bucks. But it's free to anyone who suffer $ hardship. 

Here is an excerpt:

Fortunately, none of us are judged on feelings, but rather on deeds. Still, it’s good to get one feelings aligned with God’s standards, if at all possible, because feelings have a way of eventually showing up as deeds. I have only admiration for those Christians with gay leanings who are determined to live in accord with Bible standards. They are determined to stay celibate, if need be for the duration of this system, in their service to God, with faith that it will turn out well for them in the end, that their homosexual leanings will lessen and disappear over time, whether in this system or the next. This, in the face of a cacophony of propaganda that insists: ‘once gay, always gay.’

With any gays among us, it’s like swimming when swept out by the tide. They don’t try to swim against it, exerting all their might to will themselves straight; that’s a great recipe for failure – human sexuality doesn’t work that way. They don’t try to swim with the tide, abandoning themselves as slaves to their feelings. Instead, they swim parallel to it, likely for a long time, in hopes their feelings will eventually modify, allowing them to reach shore. Who else faces a comparable battle? It doesn’t seem quite fair, does it? One might argue that their faith in God is deeper than that of most, since they stay loyal to his arrangements despite the very real testimony of their own bodies. I have zero respect for frothing church types who rail against gays when they themselves have never been called upon to raise their little finger in comparable struggles.

Singleness as a way of life was once a quite common and respectable lifestyle, with no connotations whatsoever of abnormality. Read the classics and that point is easily established. But today, largely through the media, everything is sex, and people have come to define themselves in terms of their sexuality. It’s a herculean time for a gay person to be “fighting the fine fight.”

For once, I will not slam @Ann O'Malybecause she presents options and her utmost concern is for you. Perhaps I should even reexamine and walk back some other slams I have made. 

There is that verse somewhere that says 'I am convinced there is nothing to come between us and God's love (or is it Christ's?) neither this nor that nor a long list of hardships.' I like that verse. 

[Guest]

Hey bro, may Jehovah bring you the peace you so need right now! (Col 3:15; Phil 4:7)

The key to life though, is isolating the roots of those feelings. They will be mixed and knotted up with thoughts and feelings that in themselves are not actually "gay". Our articles focus on the "choice" side of things, but avoid the genetic predisposition side, because it's a hornets nest of political volleying, as well as, may contain information that supports being "born gay" that our articles are shy from confronting head on. Our understanding is, that even if it was a genetic predisposition, everyone has the ability to choose how to act or not to act. While this may be true, it is not very encouraging or helpful when a "gay bro" wants to do what is right, but few are able to offer effective support. The sites suggested above by Ann are only interested in getting you away from the organization. Of course, that choice is yours.

Some things we can't choose:

Romans 5:12 The cause of sin is passed down to every generation. It is hereditary - therefore in whole or in part, it is genetic. But even if we are genetically predisposed to some trait, the bros say we can still choose not to act. This statement was well-meant, but it has created a cycle of illness and suicidal ideation for "gay bros".

Ephesians 6: 1-4 We cannot choose how we were raised and treated by our parents. In all likelihood, they followed that guidance that you have also read and tried to adhere to closely it. Sometimes though, there can be a parental imbalance where you may be much closer to one rather than the other. Or one parent may not be well enough, and shoulders more of the responsibility for raising you. Experts say, that our most impressionable first five years of life, are really important to how we end up thinking and acting as adults later in life! If, for example, a parent is not present for sometime in that period, it can affect them for life, if someone else does not fill that role during that time.

Psalm 139: 13-17 All your parts are "written" in your 'genetic code' (Awake August 2015 Page 5). That being the case the question keeps arising "Why am I the way I am?" Does that reflect how you feel?

Some things to dwell on:

Is guilt good, bad, or can it be both? Try to think of 2 or 3 strong scriptures that may go with each answer. Then, try to reason on which answer reflects what you know Jehovah to be like. Try not to answer in the way you know you "should", but how you actually feel. 

Note: Do not answer these publicly, but go through them privately.

How valuable do you feel to Jehovah? Draw three columns; Name each column Heart, Mind, Body; Write your answer for each column - for example, the Heart column means "How valuable does my heart feel to Jehovah? etc; Reflect on the answers in each column. They will likely be different in each. Try to think of 2 or 3 strong scriptures that may explain the answers for each column. The next bit may be very hard and requires you to draw on every scripture you may. Ask yourself, what scriptural principles will help harmonize the three columns?

Don't worry if your Bible knowledge isn't too great, even the gist of the scripture can be helpful. If you have any concern about what I've written, please show it to someone you feel comfortable with, for their view on these scriptural exercises.

I've probably blabbed on way too long, sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[James Thomas Rook Jr.]

Get a puppy and become its best friend ... if that doesn't work ... get TWO puppies.

It may not solve all your relationship problems .. but it may take care of 90%.

This comes under the category of "Praise the LORD, and pass the ammunition." ..

or for those Snowflakes that that offends, "Pray toward Heaven, Row towards shore."

[Guest Nicole]

@James Thomas Rook Jr. that advice of getting a puppy is very useful, as per my own experience it has helped me to struggle depression besides other strategies, I was blessed when my two dogs came to my life in 2014. Taking care of others helps. 

http://chester.linkinpark.com/

[Ann O'Maly]

2 hours ago, Birdie said:

The sites suggested above by Ann are only interested in getting you away from the organization.

The jwhc site, as far as I can tell, is a pro-JW one. (Or do you have first-hand knowledge to the contrary?) That's why I suggested it for the OP and avoided giving links to the many online ex-jw LGBT+ support groups available.

The national helpline sites are there for all, regardless of a person's belief system.

The jwfacts link was there because it gave a gay JW's personal experience.

I hope @ImStrugglingBad checks back soon so that we know he's OK.

[Guest]

Thanks Ann. I agree, some JW LBGT sites only encourage ones away. Some have attempted to show mistranslation of the Greek words we translate Homosexuality or "contrary to nature" or similar phrases. Some of the word origins were quite interesting. I too hope that he returns or finds encouragement at the moment. 

 

James, by far the ones that are quite and gentle spirited are much less a threat or danger, than those who have a red blooded, straight, look but, underneath are as violently inflamed as Paul described. Satans misdirection in this case, relies on ignorance, while diverting attention on ones actually trying to do the right thing.

 

 

[James Thomas Rook Jr.]

52 minutes ago, Nicole said:

 that advice of getting a puppy is very useful, as per my own experience it has helped me to struggle depression besides other strategies, I was blessed when my two dogs came to my life in 2014. Taking care of others helps. 

Those that do not understand substitution think what I made was a flippant comment ... I assure you... it was as serious as a heart attack. 

Dogs are the ONLY THING ON EARTH THAT LOVE YOU MORE THAN THEY LOVE THEMSELVES.

One time I was single for 12 years and I traveled with 11 aquatic turtles in my pickup truck camper. Taking care of an aquarium full of turtles ( red eared sliders ) in a camper was an ACCEPTABLE outlet for my loneliness from Jehovah's viewpoint. 

wIERD ... (WOOeeeOOOO), but acceptable.

When I met an agreeable Sister I wanted to marry, I let the turtles go in the upper James River, near Richmond, Virginia.

I hope they lived, and did well ....

You do what you HAVE to do.  

Make a decision .... THIS I WILL DO ... and THIS I WILL NOT DO ... and be resolute. GRIT YOUR TEETH and dig in for battle., as the enemy is at the gates !

Find some acceptable "crutches" that WILL support you.

Generally, "friends" and "good advice" is useless.

 

[Ann O'Maly]

2 hours ago, Birdie said:

Thanks Ann. I agree, some JW LBGT sites only encourage ones away.

? I don't think I said that.

1 hour ago, James Thomas Rook Jr. said:

Those that do not understand substitution think what I made was a flippant comment ... I assure you... it was as serious as a heart attack. 

That you were serious makes it worse, JTR.

[ImStrugglingBad]

Thank you, my brothers

[Anna]

15 hours ago, TrueTomHarley said:

There is that verse somewhere that says 'I am convinced there is nothing to come between us and God's love (or is it Christ's?) neither this nor that nor a long list of hardships.' I like that verse. 

The scripture is Romans 8: 38, 39. I made a point of memorizing it as it is one of my favorite scriptures.

" For I am convinced that neither death nor life nor angels nor governments nor things now here nor things to come nor powers nor height nor depth nor any other creation will be able to separate us from God’s love that is in Christ Jesus our Lord".

It was at one of the conventions last year, where it followed the story of the young brother who played the violin, I think. He went through all kinds of challenges that tested his faith, including persecution, and in the end a test of faith as he prepared to go in for life threatening surgery. This scripture was something that his father told him when he was young, and it stuck with him all his life. He said no matter what trials life threw at him, he was going to let nothing separate him from Jehovah and Jesus.

I couldn't help but notice this plea by our brother @ImStrugglingBadand fell compelled to say something too. The trials imposed on us by our imperfections are especially testing, and more so when they involve strong emotion and desire for companionship. That urge can be so strong for heterosexuals too that they will sometimes do anything to satisfy it, even putting their relationship with Jehovah in jeopardy. There is nothing wrong with yearning for companionship of course, but due to inherited imperfection in the case of someone with homosexual tendencies, it is misdirected, and because of that, it is bad. I always feel so sorry for our friends who are struggling with this particular type of imperfection. (My hair stylist, who is a brother, is struggling in this way) It's like they are in no man's land. It's often compared to someone who is heterosexual not being able to find a mate, and as a result staying celibate. But it's not quite like that. The heterosexual person knows that the potential for finding a partner is there, however the person with homosexual leanings knows there is no way he can satisfy that desire until in the new system when that desire becomes correctly channeled towards the opposite sex.  Homosexual desires are nothing but another type of imperfection that we have Satan to thank for. But it's particularly cruel type of imperfection for the reasons already mentioned above. It always makes me hate Satan that much more.

Please, @ImStrugglingBadhang in there. Get some help from experts who respect your religious belief. Get busy doing things for others so that thinking about yourself becomes less overwhelming. And mainly, please, rest assured that Jehovah cares for you deeply and that he cannot wait to heal you, and all of us. Be convinced that "nothing will be able to separate you from God's love"